I cried today..... Here I was standing in my kitchen having just cooked Sunday breakfast for my family and the doorbell chimes. There's a friendly face at the door with a $20 note in her hand. She takes one look at me and tilts her head to the side - she knows what I'm thinking, "Oh it's ok... it'll be well loved again" And with a few simple instructions of how to collapse it and how to attach the seated bike, off it went. Our stroller. My babies stroller. The one I'd placed on our local buy swap sell site thinking "it's really time I got rid of this". The one my parents bought for our "you're having a baby present". My mountain buggy swift.
But now I'm sad ... really sad, really big fat tears are still rolling down my cheeks
Saving the stroller for as long as I have (my 'baby' is now 5) was my little way of thinking, maybe we'll have a whoops sorry hubby I'm pregnant again moment. .... we didn't.
I don't know if that's why I'm so sad. Do I really want another baby? Is it because I'm 6 months away from turning 40 and my Mum was right?? I remember her saying that when I was about to turn 40 I'd probably question if I wanted more children... and here I sit tears falling ...maybe I'm crying because I'm hormonal (its always hormones right...?) Do I want to have that exited moment of finding out I'm pregnant again? - Absolutely yes! Would I like to be pregnant again, hum maybe? Do I want to give birth again haha Yes! .....the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding, the stretch marks, the hugs, the soft cheek kisses, the tiny feet, the overwhelming love, the smell... oh man it's the best!
I remember waking behind that stroller with my baby sleeping inside thinking I had done the most miraculous thing - I was a mum, I really was pushing my stroller with my baby in it! I felt so special. I loved it when Talia arrived and she didn't want to go in the stroller preferring to be asleep (or awake) on my chest in my ring sling. Kamryn would be sitting up smiling away in the stroller, or on the little bike attached to it. So many comments of how cute they were, how lucky I was. The knowing looks from old ladies - silently saying "what a precious time this really is, enjoy it sweetheart"
It's a combination of so many things, it signified the first of so many things, the first trip to the shops with my precious cargo. Getting on a train - Oh gosh I remember that well I was terrified that the wheel would get stuck between the train and the platform. It didn't. I remember going for dinner with my in-laws and holding Kamryn in my arms too frightened to put her in the stroller she was only days old ( I have no idea why on earth we were going out for dinner - bloody bonkers!!)
I'm sad because it was my life line. I walked my girls in it for YEARS!! The first few years of being a mum I was out walking everyday doing the big lap of Altona I'd walk the morning, the afternoon - for every nap (well the ones where she wasn't asleep on me, Oh I loved those too... shit more tears!) On dark nights struggling to get Talia to sleep my Husband and I would take turns walking the streets at 11pm desperately trying to get her to fall asleep (you see nothing else would work when she was about 16mths old), but it was nice, frustrating yes, but a passage in time that I thought would never end...and yet here we are.
But, I don't think I want more, I just want to go back for a minute, for a day to really see it for what it is. To breathe it all in again. To be truly present.
My girls are still little, I know that when they're teenagers I'll look back at this phase of my life thinking, oh it was so good. And it is they're still so little really, their cheeks still soft, their feet still small, the kisses the love the cuddles the sleepless nights (yup occasionally) The love for them is still overwhelming. I'm breathing it all in.
Bye bye old stroller - thanks for the memories